I hesitate to write a lot when I am in a “bad space” mentally/emotionally. I never want to be a complainer or a victim or seem as if I am looking for pity. I am not writing for attention or to vent but, when 90% of your posts are depressing, I feel that my posts can bring people down or become, well, annoying. In the past I explained my hope to use humor to not be such a life-sucker, but lately humor isn’t even possible for me! So, I have not even written a word here.
I wonder how I keep my head above water in weeks like this one. My husband pointed out to me that “at least we aren’t that family on the corner of X and Y that were evicted and have all of their stuff on the street corner.” Yes, that would be bad. But, at some level, I might prefer that because then at least I have some control — I could see why this happened and work on a solution. The grass is always slightly less dead on the other side of the fence?
To summarize my week and not go into lengthy complaints, I will overview my week in a short list:
1. Last Thursday my daughter’s pediatrician referred me to get her tested for Cystic Fibrosis. They are worried about her small size/lack of growth/respiratory problems. This has thrown my world upside-down. Test is tomorrow…results by Friday, I hope. Hopefully not CF, but we still have to figure out what is going on.
2. My dad is very depressed. Brother called Monday to have me call him to do a suicide assessment (not my brother’s words but I am therapist so that is my clinical, easy explanation). He denied intention or a plan, but that doesn’t take away from the awfulness of this situation.
3. Oh yeah, I am five months pregnant. Which is an awesome thing!! Just hate the stress I am feeling and worry about it’s effects on my baby.
I can’t make my daughter healthy and I can’t make my father happy. I am in the trenches with them and doing the best I can. I know life could be a lot worse. I am lucky to have a good job, and wonderful family and friends, and a roof over my head, and I am healthy. Yay.