One of those days…

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Feeling a familiar pit in my stomach this morning. Worry. Worry for my daughter’s health and an overwhelming feeling of being lost and alone in how to help her. I made an appointment with her GI doctor for tomorrow because she has been randomly throwing up recently.

To backtrack, she has a condition called Eosinophilic Esophagitis (EoE). EoE is an allergic reaction that occurs in the esophagus which makes eating uncomfortable, sometimes painful, and can cause vomiting and food impaction among other things. The problem is we have no idea what she is allergic to and won’t know unless we do elaborate food elimination and subsequent endoscopys – all of which is difficult and invasive.

Around six months of age my daughters weight started to slowly move off of “her curve” on the growth charts. Doctors don’t worry much about weight gain unless there are significant drops on what should be “her curve.” She was born at about the 50th percentile and slowly dropped until she was off the charts altogether. No doctor expressed much concern because it could be explained away – pneumonia/rsv at 4 months, crawling and walking early, very active, etc, etc.

When she was about 2 and a half, I couldn’t take looking at her frail frame any longer and brought her in for a consult. Finally the doctors paid attention because, at that point, they noticed her height falling off of “her curve” as well. I was sent for a cystic fibrosis test which, thankfully, was negative. We then wasted 5 to 6 months with a GI doctor who didn’t do anything but make us wait. Eventually I got a good referral to a GI doctor who took us seriously and started us on a path that led to the discovery of the EoE.

We are taking a very non-aggressive approach to treatment at this point with use of an oral steroid to help with inflammation, a formula she drinks to help with nutrients and weight gain, and a wait and see attitude. We try to sneak in calories any way we can as well as probiotics. She gained two pounds in three months which seemed promising.

But the past few weeks have been off for her. She doesn’t seem to have gained weight in the past month or two, and she has started throwing up. She has thrown up around 5 or 6 times in the past month. When you work day in and day out to get your child to take in every calorie she can get, watching her throw up her food/formula is defeating beyond belief.

Generally she has thrown up after drinking a lot of her formula which is packed full of sickeningly sweet corn syrup – don’t get me started on the fact that I have to put that crap in her to get her healthier. I would like that to explain it away but last night she threw up after dinner and, though she drank several swigs, it wasn’t so much that I would think that it would make her throw up.

So, I picked up the phone and called her GI doctor this morning, and we have an appointment tomorrow. I am worried what this means for her treatment, but I have to tell her the truth about the vomiting. The next step might be doing a food elimination. I can handle that. We would remove the top 6 allergens I believe – dairy and egg (which we have already eliminated), wheat, soy, fish, and peanuts. I honestly don’t think it will be that hard to do. Wheat might be the hardest, but I can make that work.

What worries me is the prospect of a G-tube and where this is all heading. Kids with EoE sometimes have to get G-tubes to get all of the food they need in them — doctors just eliminate the need to use the esophagus! I can’t imagine having to manage the use of a G-tube and I don’t want her to have to use one. And I am so tired of doctors already. I need to figure out how to get over this and come to some peace about her condition. I just feel so bad for her! She is in a doctor’s office almost weekly with some such issue. Last week it was croup, this week an ear infection, two weeks ago she had her blood drawn…doctors are a normal part of her life.

I wish I could just have a crystal ball and see into the future and know that there is some happy, healthy outcome to all of this. This disease is so “new” and the information and treatment seems so experimental. I am a facts person, a “let’s follow protocol” person – not a “let’s see if this works” kind of person – especially when it comes to my little girl’s health. I know it could be worse and I tell myself that all of the time, which actually helps most days, but today isn’t one of those days. Today my stomach hurts for her.

My New Vocabulary.

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Eosinophilic Esophagitis… Say that 3 times fast… or even one time slow.

Lewy-Body Dementia… Sounds like a cartoon character with memory problems.

GMOs… the stuff of science fiction.

Organic, “grocery stores are full of poison”, allergies, Monsanto, preservatives, artificial colors, hybrids, leaky gut, vaccines, the dirty dozen, immunoglobins, additives, gluten-free….

All of these words and phrases are constantly floating and banging around in my head these days. Ouch. What are these words, you ask? Thanks for asking! I shall tell you! You see, my daughter has Eosinophilic Esophagitis (EoE) a relatively “new” disease that, in laymen’s terms, is an allergic reaction to food that occurs in the esophagus. Treating this disease is complicated because, obviously, we can not see the esophagus so to understand what she is allergic to is a guessing game of sorts. Some people who have it can’t eat food orally at all due to inflammation of the esophagus. We are “lucky” so far that she can still eat most things, but that could change. My father’s autopsy showed not Alzheimers, but Lewy-Body Dementia, (LBD) which is, for lack of a better and easier way to explain it, a cross between Alzheimers and Parkinsons. No scarier than Alzheimers but still scary because my father was an otherwise very healthy and active man who lost his life at 67.

That is your crash course in two disorders you probably have never heard of but will probably begin to hear more about as they both are increasing in occurrence (as are all allergies and dementias). With these diagnoses, I have begun to do research. I am the type of person that dives in head first and wants to learn everything I can, be part of every support group and website, and participate in every fundraiser. I am nothing if not informed.

My research has led me to want to understand the cause of increases in these problems…which has led me straight to the very food that is sold to us. Thus, all of those other words dancing around in my brain. Sadly, I have learned that I am uninformed, and I am now frightened by a world which I apparently should not have trusted.

I thought I knew how to eat healthy. I know how to eat a balanced, healthy meal and not get fat. I know how to lose weight. Don’t eat at McDonalds. Eat fist-sized portions. Say no to butter and salt, etc, etc. I was even aware that weird ingredients are put into food, and I knew food dyes and preservatives were unhealthy. I got that, but what I didn’t get was that the very food we are buying at the store – even our vegetables – may be poisoning us and killing us.

I am not going to go deeply into how this is all poisoning us other than to say that the industry has worked very hard to save a buck and make a dollar at our expense. You all can do searches and see the research that is out there. Soy is hazardous in high amounts, and soy is in almost everything. We should all stop eating anything with GMOs in it – but, as my husband points out, if we stopped doing that and ate what is available that does not contain GMOs, then this country would not have the food supply to support it. I am not one to believe conspiracy theories, but I do believe he has a point. The problems go on and on.

We are killing ourselves and killing our families. Jamie Oliver, a well-known celebrity chef who is on a healthy eating campaign, said recently, “We, the adults of the last four generations, have blessed our children with the destiny of a shorter lifespan than their own parents. Your child will live a life 10 years younger than you because of the landscape of food that we’ve built around them.” He is primarily talking about obesity as the root cause but do not deny that this is all related. We have turned a blind eye to the food we eat for so long that we no longer pay attention to the food we put in our bodies. In this country we eat for the wrong reasons – we focus on convenience and pleasure rather than nutrition (though I don’t think they are mutually exclusive).

I am in the process of shifting my life – I am taking baby steps and educating myself. I have family and friends who are guiding me along the way. I am lucky to be part of a very food-conscious, health-conscious extended family. I even have a cousin sending me gadgets and food plans and being my cheerleader. The change won’t be easy but it is necessary, and I hope that others will follow. I need my daughter to be healthy. The excuse of ‘organic is too expensive’ won’t be an excuse if we all buy organic and the supply goes up. 100% organic should be the norm rather than the alternative choice. Stores must see that this is what their consumers are asking for. We need to be eating healthy, wholesome food that has nutrients. Common sense. It’s common sense.

Lets change our vocabulary to familiar words…organic, healthy, clean, nutritious, local, real food.

Oh, So Nosey!

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This past weekend was quite trying for my ego.  Friday, as I was picking up the kids from daycare, one of the little girls asked, “What’s wrong with your nose?”  Until that point, I didn’t really think anything was wrong with my nose.  Yeah, it’s pretty crooked at the end, but it’s a nose, noses do that. I asked my husband and sister their thoughts and neither said that there is anything terribly wrong with it. In fact, my sister responded (in her text lingo), “Honestly, I never noticed ur nose b4,”  Gee, thanks??  I am assuming she has looked at me before, but maybe not. 

Thanks to that 4-year-old, I now have a nose complex. 

And then Saturday….oh Saturday…  I bravely decided to enter the Panera that my husband manages (and was working at that day) with my 8-month-old and 3 1/2 year-old and attempt to eat lunch.  Until that point, I was kind of having an “I am a rock star” mom kind of morning.  My baby napped well, we went to the toy store together and survived, and had great plans to hit the nature center after lunch.  Go me, right?

So, lunch is what I would expect it to be with one parent, a baby, and my feisty preschooler.  The baby was pretty good although a little restless.  My 3-year-old was hyper from the attention from daddy’s coworkers and was hopping seat to seat and not eating much despite my efforts.  This is nothing unexpected because 3-year-olds aren’t always great eaters, and my daughter has a disease that makes it painful for her to eat (Eosinophilic Esophogitis) so mealtime is generally trying.  I am sure I will blog more about her condition at some point, but not necessary for this story.

So, as we are winding up lunch — after I had gotten some food in her and made one difficult trip with them both to the bathroom– a “kind” woman approached me. The conversation went like this:

Woman: Hi, are you ok?

Me: Yes, I am fine.

Woman: Well, my friend and I were watching you and were a little concerned. I am a kindergarten teacher and also teach mommy & me classes — don’t know if you have ever done anything like that? Anyway, we were concerned and just wanted to make sure you were okay. I would be happy to watch your baby so you can (kind of gestures towards my daughter).

Me: No, we are just leaving. I am fine thanks (all said with my winning smile and crooked nose).

And that was the end of it — well, not really, because I was almost in tears and I am still thinking about it three days later.  I was so upset that what she saw was a mother that needed help with her children when, although I wasn’t smiling and probably was a bit frazzled, I thought I had things under control. 

Was she seeing something I don’t – is my daughter really running all over me?  Perhaps she hit a nerve because I do worry my daughter doesn’t listen, but I also know she is three years old — and mealtimes are tough for her and for us.  My brain started wondering if maybe I did need help! My husband and other moms have reassured me that she was out of line, my kids and experience is normal, and that one woman’s comments shouldn’t make me question my own confidence as a mom.  But most mom’s I know do second guess themselves constantly — and then to have something “kindly” pointed out! Ouch.

She didn’t know me, my daughter, her health issues, or our situation, but she thought she had the right to offer me help – I felt judged and embarrassed.  I own that those are my feelings and it was not her intent to make me feel that way, of course. But I think and talk a lot about parenting in both my personal life and with my career – I could probably teach a Mommy & Me class which made it that much more offensive to me. 

And I know she was trying to be kind, but I think she was out of line.  If my child is bloody and screaming on the floor, then ask me if I need help and if I am okay.  I wholeheartedly believe that it takes a village, but I prefer to know the villager and that the villager know me.

I try my best to be a good mom. It is a hard job that us moms are judged on all too often.  Please be careful how you view a mom with “out of control” kids.  Put things into context, ie I was by myself with two small children in an “uncontrolled” environment and neither was crying or being neglected.  Your offer of kindness is based on a judgement that may or may not be accurate.  And, seriously, did she really think I was going to hand over my baby to her?  Is that what they teach in Mommy & Me classes?

So, needless to say, it was a tough weekend.  My nose is wrong and the nosey lady was wrong.  Both had me examining myself much more closely – I hope I am safe to say that my nose isn’t so bad and neither is my parenting.

Oh, and we had fun at the nature center (yep, got to get the cute kid pic in the hollowed out canoe in somehow!). Take that nosey lady.

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The Bloggist Formerly Known as VeggieSandwichGeneration

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If you didn’t “get” the title – I was referring to when Prince was just a symbol and everyone called him “the artist formerly known as Prince.” I should probably stop trying to be funny.

So here I am – new and improved and a work in progress. Let me know what you think. Oh, and I hope the picture brightens your day(and by brightening your day I really mean I want to hear some oohs and aahs at the cuteness).

Able to save babies from choking hazards while mommy sits on the couch and relaxes!

Able to save babies from choking hazards while mommy sits on the couch and relaxes!